overstimulated

I was playing gargoyle again. Hidden by the shadowed bastion. I like it up here. No one bothers to invade my spect ... introspect .. retrospect .. whatever spect I'm into at the time.

Last couple of days were a blur for me. Having trouble remembering again. I remember the fight in the alley. Not always clear on why I got into it. Easy to remember it happened though because I still can't see out of my eye right. It will heal though. Always does. So will my hands. My hands make me smile. I do remember that part .. when I look at my hands.

Anxiety is high. There's something I want and I'm not sure I'll be able to have it. I wonder what that means. The white noise is almost audibly understandable. If I had a bag of weed I'd be alright. But I've learned to weather it out .. mostly.

The white noise made it so I didn't recognize who was below until it was nearly too late. They were leaving. Heidi .. my red Angel. Heidi was in white. I remember that amused me. There was a slave with them. She looked like one of the Beautiful People. That was odd to me. Slaves like that don't hang around down here. For very good reasons. She wasn't dressed like a Beautiful People slave. She is a curiosity to me.

I dropped down the wall though so I could talk to my Angel. I snuck up behind her and grabbed her. She was pretty alright with it. She tried to convince me she didn't like the man I had seen her with. Didn't fly with me. Gorean girls need to figure out that on earth women lie all the time. I told her she was lying. She blushed. I knew then I was right, even if I didn't know when I accused her of it. That's why the cops do it .. it works. That didn't bug me though. She's a slave right? She's supposed to like it.

But when the other Beautiful People slave came over and started to talk I realized I'd made her drop her mistress' pouch of coins and someone had taken it. You can't leave money laying around down here. Actually you can't leave much of anything laying around down here, including yourself. But anyway I felt bad. I made her lose it. I am the one who owed the woman. Who would expect a slave to owe anything. They don't own anything how can they be responsible for anything?

These people confuse me. I dug around in my pockets, along with some lint, lock picks, string, ect I found a bit of money .. and gave her the coins and a bit extra to find a pouch to put them in. Probably won't be as good as the one that got stolen but, it was all I could do. It was everything I had. I pay my debts. Well at least the ones I figure I owe, especially those that involve someone I like. Why would I want her to get beat for me? Is it honorable to blame a slave for something you did like a two bit ballless rat? Hell that's like blaming a kid.

And what does she do? Questions me. Tells me it is wrong. Who is she? The master/slave police? Fuck her and her righteous indignation. I thought she was different than the other self-important slaves around here. And it wasn't just her. The other slave was the same way. I saw it in both their faces. Since when do slaves question men? Who were either one of them to question my honor in paying my own debts to another free person? I wasn't giving money to a slave. What the hell? I despise them both for questioning me. In their own uptight predictable narrow minded idea of their world they broke all their own rules.

How ... Gorean.

I got all paranoid and claustrophobic. As usual I went .. up. Locked in my room in the dark. I got the shakes now. Sweating like a pig. I'm fighting to remember. I need to remember. I wish I could remember what it was I wanted to remember. But I'm too sick to think.