I wish I could wish

Today I went to the cliffs and I stood upon the precipice and I wondered if I would take the step off. With apathetic curiosity I gazed upon the empty space between me and certain death. But would it be death? Could I be sure? Was there any guarantee? Was there ever any guarantee? The thought amused me and I found a chuckle. My first one of the day.

At some point it all gets too deep and enters the fathoms of ridiculous. I should have more reverence, but I think I was excommunicated at some point. Probably when I stopped believing in God. That might have done it.

So without that microscopic fiber of reality to stabilize my existentialism I gave up my seneschal genuflecting to religion and took on my autonomous outlook and became my own god ... irreverent and only half way acknowledging of those gods who can kick my ass, and only then because I have to be, not because I want to be.

Despite my flirting with my own destruction I still wish to live. In fact .. my flirting is inspired and fueled by my desire to live ... to really live. To know I live, to feel I live, to understand that I live without first having to masochistically force the knowledge onto myself.

I do not expect you to understand. I am quite comfortable with the pain of that unrequited desire.

You would think that in being brought to Gor that I would have changed for the better. I think it has only made me worse. What were they thinking?