still in control

Last night I took a sharpened blade and I tied it to my chest against the tattooed spider, point up so that it would rest at the base of my chin and the vertex of my throat. I sat myself upon a chair in the middle of my chamber. From a small table to my right I took a tiny vial, watching the lamp light spark off my rings, and I drank the sedating contents. And then I waited. Could I stay awake? Could I fight the drug enough to keep the point of the blade from severing? Or would I succumb to the mind numbing effects and nod off ... forever.

I am obviously here.

I clearly was able to stay awake.

But what is not so obviously clear is the hellish night that I spent.

Why you ask would I do this to myself? Why would I put myself into this position? For what? to see if I could stay awake all night despite my attempts to put myself to sleep?

Yes.